Why Does a Woman Stay in a Violent Relationship?

The Very Real Risks of Leaving a Batterer

Aug 20, 2009

When a woman leaves an abusive relationship, it does not mean that the violence will end. In fact, the violence and the risks to her and her children often escalate.

The question sometimes arises in news stories about women in violent relationships: “Why did she stay?” Many find it difficult to understand why a woman would stay in such a situation, and speculate that she may suffer from Stockholm syndrome (identifying with one’s abuser), addiction to the relationship, conditioning, or learned helplessness.

While she may indeed suffer from any of these conditions, there could be a more straightforward reason for a woman to stay in a violent relationship. She may believe that separation poses a greater risk to her safety than staying, and she may fear that leaving will pose greater risks to the safety of her children. There is evidence to support her assessment.

Violence Escalates with Separation

According to the report, Domestic Homicide, by Saunders & Browne, leaving a batterer challenges the control he exercises and he is most dangerous after a separation. He may retaliate against his spouse with threats, greater violence, and even murder.

Tracy Thomas, Director of Development at HAVEN (Help Against Violent Encounters Now) in Oakland County Michigan, answers why the partner stays with a batterer. “She stays to stay alive. The threat of violence increases when she leaves, and may continue for years."

The risk of murder escalates when a woman leaves a violent relationship. According to Gavin DeBecker, author of The Gift of Fear, (New York: Random House. 1997), 75% of murders of spouses are committed after the woman leaves. It is separation, not conflict that causes the most severe violence.

“About 75% of the calls to law enforcement for intervention and assistance in domestic violence occur after separation from batterers,” according to Barbara Hart in remarks to the Task Force on Child Abuse and Neglect. Women also require medical treatment for injuries from domestic violence more often after separation. About 75% of visits to emergency rooms by battered women occur after separation. (Stark, E. and Flitcraft, A. Women and children at risk: A feminist perspective on child abuse. International Journal of Health Services, 18 (1) 97-118. 1988.)

Threats of Violence Persist After Separation

Abusive partners are also likely to stalk a woman who has left them. According to a report on stalking, when women are stalked by a former partner, the stalking continues for 2.2 years on the average. (Tjaden, Patricia and Thoennes, Nancy. Stalking in America: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey. April 1998.) Just over 80% of women who are stalked by a current or former partner are physically assaulted by him.

Threat to Children

A woman with minor children faces another risk when leaving a violent relationship. According to a report of The New England Research Institutes, 30% to 60% of children of abused mothers are also abused, and yet many judges are resistant to considering domestic violence as a factor in custody decisions. Thomas, CEO of HAVEN, says “many batterers end up with the children.”

While it is certainly not safe to stay in a violent relationship, the danger in leaving can be relatively high. What seems like an irrational decision may actually be based on a rational assessment of the risks. Tracy Thomas of HAVEN, says, “People ask, ‘why does she stay?’ but …the question they should really ask is, ‘why does he batter?’ We should hold him accountable. She has to leave, give up her home, maybe change her identity and the batterer may end up with the children.”

References

Hart, Barbara. Remarks to the Task Force on Child Abuse and Neglect, April 1992

Morrill, Allison C.; Dai, Jianyu; Dunn, Samantha; Sung, Iyue and Smith, Kevin. Violence Against Women, Vol.11 No. 8, August 2005.

Saunders, D.G. & Browne, A. In R.T. Ammerman & M. Hersen (Eds.), Case studies in family violence. New York: Plenum. 1991.

Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Justice, NCJ 169592, Stalking in America: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey. 1998.

(Stark, E. and Flitcraft, A. Women and children at risk: A feminist perspective on child abuse. International Journal of Health Services, 18 (1), 97-118. 1988.

Thomas, Tracy, Director of Development at HAVEN (Help Against Violent Encounters Now) in Oakland County, Michigan. Phone Conversation. 2009.

The copyright of the article Why Does a Woman Stay in a Violent Relationship? in Physical Abuse is owned by Ruth Wilson Zamierowski. Permission to republish Why Does a Woman Stay in a Violent Relationship? in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.