The biggest myth about domestic violence is that it only happens to women. According to Dr. Robert J. Reid, 30% of all domestic violence involved a man being abused by a woman (American Journal of Preventative Medicine, May 2008). If you are a battered man or are an abusive woman, learn to recognize the signs and get help now, before it is too late.
Men 'Fall' Too
In the groundbreaking book Women Who Perpetuate Relationship Violence: Moving Beyond Political Correctness (Haworth Press, 2005) Fred Buttell and Michell Mohr Carney write that women use violence just as often as men do in relationships. They also note that violent women often strike the first blow in a physical confrontation and meet many of the same pathological criteria as a male domestic abuser, including:
- Charm: She may seem completely charming and witty at first and very engaging with no sign that she is actually an abuser.
- Isolation: This might start out simple at first. Moving away from friends and family, or just simply saying she wants to spend a lot of time alone with you. Maybe it starts out by complaining about a mother-in-law that comes to visit too often. But soon, you find yourself trapped with no one to turn to for support.
- Jealousy: Constantly accusing you of affairs and the like.
- Controlling: Tries to control every aspect of your life, from your friends, to money, even your job.
- Emotionally and Physically Abusive: Lowers your self-esteem by demeaning you and calling you names, physically slaps you or pushes you around or follow you around with objects throwing them or threatening to injure you. Makes threats on you or your children and more.
Why Not Leave?
Sometimes men are afraid to leave or even tell someone about their domestic abuse situations. In the past, domestic violence by women has not been recognized. Men are afraid their partners will lie and say they are the victims. They are afraid of losing their jobs, their children, their reputations and their lives. Today, there are more resources out their than ever. If you feel that you are in a domestic violence situation use caution. Follow these safety guidelines by Dr. Irene Matiatos and when it doubt always call 911:
- Enlist the Help of Family and Friends: Remember there is safety in numbers!
- Document all forms of abuse, consider keeping a tape recorder or other recording device on hand during arguments. Keep all letters or correspondence sent by the abuser in a safe place to refer to later as evidence.
- From Dr. Matiatos: "Never hide physical abuse!"
- Find out about local support groups, local shelters and the local domestic violence laws from your employer, friends or family members. Remember, times have changed. More and more groups are acknowledging domestic violence against men. It is NOTHING to feel ashamed of!
- When you finally leave for good, never leave any kind of contact details and consider a court ordered restraining order or at the very least a legal adviser. No matter what, be aware of your rights!
What if I'm the Abuser?
Just as it is easier to think of men as the abusers it is easier to think of women as the abused. If you are a woman and realize that you fit the description of an abuser there is help available. The Minnesota Center Against Violence and Abuse has identified three different groups of women enrolled in court mandated domestic violence treatment programs.
- Women who used violence to escape their partners violence
- Women who used violence as a result of many instances of violence that happened to them throughout their lives.
- Primary physical aggressors who use their power to control their partners.
Women often abuse men under the same influences that men commit domestic abuse, such as the influence of alcohol and drug use. Identifying the reason can be the first step to achieving successful rehabilitation.
According to Dr. Matiatos many woman abusers suffer from anger disorders and perfectionist tendencies (the ability not the let go) that can lead to unrealistic expectations. Overcoming those expectations is the first step to recovery. Sessions with behavioral therapists is one way to resolve those issues.
Redefining Domestic Violence
Often, we hear about battered wife syndrome, but battered husbands exist too. Men are abused in domestic relationships just as much as women are. And it is not just physical abuse. Verbal abuse counts as domestic violence also, as does any behavior that constitutes control, such as limiting finances, isolating you from family and friends and any kind of controlling behavior.
If you are in such a situation, first, evaluate your options. Is it life threatening? If so, call 911 right away. If you can, make a plan of action that allows some time for you to prepare to leave. Get your wallet, some clothes and maybe one or two personal items and make a clean break. Hopefully, your partner will want to get help on their own.
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